Intimacy and IVF

Here’s one thing that I think doctors and medical teams tend to forget about IVF.

IVF is intimate. Incredibly intimate. And for better or worse, that intimacy is one-sided.

We are—for want of a better analogy—the 18 year old virgin going off to sleep with, not an individual, but an entity whose entire job is to try and get as many woman as possible pregnant.

Sounds weird when put like that, doesn’t it.

But it’s worth viewing it in those terms because when you do, you start to see how fraught with difficulty a relationship like this is going to be, from the very beginning.

This is not a balanced relationship. This is not a relationship where (in the majority of cases), the doctor wants to get to know YOU and your hopes and dreams, fears and uncertainties.

Add on the fact that we’re 40+ and the medical team we’ve partnered with knows, from the outset, that our age doesn’t favour their stats, or a live birth outcome. They know that of every 10 patients they take on, 8 or more will fail.

Yet here we are, at out most vulnerable. Trusting them. Filling ourselves with as much hope or stoicism as we can manage to begin each cycle, then falling into an emotional puddle when things doing work and then slowly solidifying ourselves in order to continue. Again.

I’ve read a few things in Better IVF's and other online IVF groups where women will say something to the effect of:

“I don’t want to be a pest, and keep asking for things. I’m worried they won’t like me.”

Question:

Who is the customer? Them, or you?

Who is paying tens of thousands of dollars for these treatments? Them, or you?

Who is going to cry themselves to sleep because they had to give up their dream of a child? Them, or you?

Now, I’m not saying that you should be an asshole about pushing for what you want…but nobody, NOBODY can (or should) decide your IVF journey for you, except YOU.

And remember this too: Who can guarantee an outcome based on a specific protocol? NOBODY. Not even the smartest, best doctor in the world can win a fight against biology if everything that could be tried, has already been tried and hasn’t worked.

We don’t really have any research on IVF but my hypothesis would be that lack of decision making and control over the IVF process itself is what contributes to the potentially life long trauma that women are left with after IVF has failed them.

We know this is the case because “multiple qualitative studies exploring women’s experiences of traumatic birth identify interactions with care providers as a more important factor than medical intervention or type of birth. For example, a perceived lack of control and involvement in decision-making can contribute to the experience of trauma. A study by Thomson and Downe found that trauma was related to ‘fractured interpersonal relationships with caregivers’, and that women felt disconnected, helpless and isolated during birth.”

Wow. Honestly you only have to replace one word in that sentence to make it true for IVF.

Right now, you are in a relationship with a person whose job it is to bring you a child. But that person is not in a relationship with you. Once you are pregnant, or once you give up, while you fall to pieces, they will have already moved on to the next patient.

Just remember this: when your doctor goes about their day in 10 years, they won’t be thinking about you. But you will never forget about the child you never had. Nor, if you’re successful, will a day go by where you are not grateful for what IVF and your doctor brought you.

My hope is that within the Better IVF community, you will gain the confidence and the resources and the skills to have difficult conversations in a meaningful and respectful way. And always remember, that you are the client here. They may have the medical power, but your power lies in the stakes for you and your life. Don’t let fear of embarrassment or someone disliking you be the reason you don’t get your baby. studies exploring women's experiences,trauma [21%2C 23]